When I was just a few months pregnant with Mila, and not yet even knowing she was a girl, I received a phone call from the doctor’s office that sent my life into a tailspin; routine blood work indicated a 1 in 113 chance of having a baby with down syndrome, or possibly spina bifida.

Shock. Confusion. Tears. I researched the National Down Syndrome Society. I didn’t know what to do and felt I needed to do something! I had to know in order to prepare. I asked the doctor if I had to give up my career. He didn’t know, no one did, and I was going insane. I needed to be in control and KNOW! So many questions and no one had answers.

The doctor said the only sure way to know was to have an amniocentesis, a process of probing my belly with a really long needle and extracting fluid surrounding the baby. The needle would cross the abdominal wall, uterus, and then amniotic sac, and would give me the information I so desperately wanted. But it would also give me a 1 in 250 chance of a miscarriage.

That’s when my perspective shifted. It was no longer about me needing to know or prepare; it became about protecting the baby, giving it the best chance to live and not interrupting its environment. So on a typical workday morning before leaving the house, I looked at myself in the mirror and said, “God, if you give me a child with down syndrome, then I accept your plan. Me, my family, all of the people that I know, even the teenagers that I mentor, will be better people in this world because they will love a child with down syndrome.”

Both actions were atypical for me. It may have been the first time I spoke to God as an adult, and it was certainly the first time I spoke to myself in the mirror. But the words I spoke that morning changed how I felt for the rest of my pregnancy. There was never a moment of worry or sadness after that; my entire world shifted from speaking those 2 sentences.

Now in the business of helping others transform their own lives, I know the power of words. And perspective. And Faith.

Napoleon Hill also said, “Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.” NOT knowing was one of the greatest gifts in my life, because it taught me to relax into faith.

What adversity, failure, or heartache has made you stronger?

She was afraid to get in the water again, forgetting what a great swimmer she already was. I began searching for reasons why: was she overwhelmed with all the kids in the pool? Should I not have taken her to see the movie about the surfer getting her arm bitten off by a shark?

Now as a mental coach, but more importantly, a mommy that already paid for the swim lessons, I knew that if I wanted her to return the next day it was important to help her link swimming with positive emotion. We talked about the friends she would see and how much fun they would have! She enrolled in the conversation and was ready to go and added, “I’ll do my best and my best is good enough.”

The first half of that practice was similar to the day prior: holding on to the edge as best she could, but holding on nonetheless. I could see her eyes following her school mates bouncing in and out of the water, splashing and have a great time. Although I asked her to try and stand in the water, she refused.

Then it happened. She let one foot down slowly, touched the bottom, then the other foot and she was standing! And with that knowing came a mountain of confidence. I couldn’t get her out of the water at that point. She was back, and in a big way, remembering her ice cream scoops and swimming laps everywhere.

It made me think of times I’ve been afraid to try again. How big we create that obstacle in our mind and how we hang on to the edge for our own safety and survival, until we realize hanging on is killing us more than letting go.

Mila, age 5

Then we let go, and it’s over, and we wonder, “Why did it take me so long?”

Here’s why: because of where our focus is. We think about the pain, the suffering, the potential rejection, what a bummer to go without sugar, rather than focusing on the pleasure, how good we’ll feel, how disciplined, proud and courageous. So if there’s a game you’ve been away from in a while, whether it’s exercising, eating well or stepping into a leadership role at work, try shifting your focus to the positive and it just might help you let go of the edge.

Let’s dive right in!

Secret 1-Financial Success Is Possible in Almost Any Field, and Lack of Education Doesn’t Have to Hold You Back. Yes, many women Stanny interviewed were M.B.A’s and Ph.D’s, but numerous also held a Bachelor of Arts, a two-year associate’s degree, no college degree at all or were high school drop-outs. The earliest drop out? 7th grade. Please re-read Secret #1.

Secret 2
Working Hard Doesn’t Mean Working All the Time. It’s the old adage, “working smarter, not harder.” Easy to say, hard to do. Stanny found the women she interviewed to be divided into two groups: The SHE’s, Successful High Earners, that pulled back when they found themselves out of balance between work and family, and the HHE’s (Hard-Driven High Earners) who’s work consumed them to the point of no sleep and emotional breakdowns. The HHE’s were eventually forced to re-think their workday and one recovered workaholic said, “I work very hard from nine to noon…if I’m efficient and focused, I don’t really need to put in all those hours.”

Secret 3
Focus on Fulfilling Your Values Rather Than Financial Gain. This secret is worth its weight in gold. It reminded me of a vision board I once had, with cutouts of printed money and every time I looked at it I couldn’t feel any excitement. That’s because if you focus on the money, you’ll never be happy. Instead, focus on the service, living your passion, the choices the money will give you and the people you will help with your dollars. That shift in vibration is enough to get you back on track and taking action towards your goals!

Secret 4
Loving What You Do Is Much More Important Than What You Do. There were few exceptions to this rule; women that hated their jobs but liked their income. Our lesson to take? If you’re not passionate about what you do, no matter what field it’s in, it can take the joy out of working and make work feel like work, rather than “fun, play, inspiration” as one woman described.

Secret 5
Feel the Fear. Have the Doubt. Go for It Anyway. Someone once told me that courage does not mean fearlessness. EVERY woman interviewed admitted to feeling inadequate, incompetent and fear—fear of failure, fear of rejection and fear of criticism. They just didn’t let the fear keep them frozen from taking action.

Secret 6
Think in Terms of Trade-offs, Not Sacrifices, to Find a Workable Equilibrium. It’s the answer to the question women have asked since entering the workforce, “How do you balance work and family?” They prioritized their values, set limits, didn’t bring work home, and certainly didn’t work on the weekends. Other women grew their business slowly to ensure they kept their focus on their family or one woman opened up a restaurant in her house to be near her kids! This secret reminds me of a quote from Estee Lauder, “Within each person is the potential to build the empire of her wishes, and don’t allow anyone to say you can’t have it all, You can-you can have it all…..”

Secret 7
Sometimes You Just Have to Shrug It Off and Have a Good Laugh. These six-figure women were not exempt to gender discrimination. One woman was referred by her male colleagues as “kind of a CEO” and another left behind by the company plane. Their secret for dealing with these serious offenses was to recognize the ignorance, not internalize the message and stay in their full power.

Secret 8
Appreciate Abundance. These women were not without stress or challenges, yet words they used to describe their lives included, “fortunate, lucky and blessed.” “Which is not to say that these successful earners don’t get down in the dumps or have attacks of negativity.” Stanny called many in the middle of meltdowns, yet when she followed up they were fully bounced back and recognize those moments as only temporary.

Stanny says through her research her major thesis was proved: “our state of mind, more than anything ‘out there,’ determines our level of success.” This book is full of exercises for the inner work of becoming a six-figure woman.

The author adds, “if there’s one message I hope you carry away from the book, it is this: We women have got to stop devaluing ourselves and demand what we’re worth.” Mindful Management agrees!

Weight loss is the easiest example to illustrate this with because most of us at some point decided we needed to lose weight. We did all of the right things: joined the gym, recruited a workout partner, bought mounds of lettuce for salads, and then we were off to a really great start! Then one week later, or a month later, our efforts ran out of gas, the excuses began and we fell back to the same habits.

That’s because new science tells us that our beliefs and habits are the driving force behind our results. In The Biology of Belief, cellular biologist Dr. Bruce Lipton reports that up to 99 percent of our daily behavior (thoughts, emotions, actions) is automatically caused by our beliefs and habits. So what are beliefs and how do we get them?

Back to the weight loss example. Some common limiting beliefs around weight loss may be:

“I can’t enjoy what I eat and lose weight.”

“I have to exercise to lose weight.”

“Every time I lose weight I gain it back and then some.”

be·lief [bih-leef]
–noun
1. decisions we make based on EXPERIENCE (like the last time we dieted) and INFORMATION we receive from; mom, dad, grandma, friends, teachers, coaches, magazines, TV, books…

2. as those decisions are reinforced with our life experiences, they become habitual and automatic.

3. there are positive beliefs that serve us, and limiting beliefs that keep us stuck.

Just like weight loss, we form limiting beliefs in our relationships, money, health and so on. Most often those decisions are made unconsciously, so we’re not even really aware that we have a belief keeping us from reaching our goals. How do you know if you need to change a belief? If you’re not getting the results you want.

Here’s an exercise for you to try (read through the instructions before you begin): Think of a goal you want to accomplish. Write it as if it’s already happened, and then say it out loud. For example, if my goal is to double my income this year I would say, “I doubled my income this year.” Then measure the believability of that statement on a scale of 0-10, with 0 being “I don’t believe it at all” and 10 being “I totally believe that will happen.” If your number is on the higher end, you’ve got some good core beliefs working for you. If it’s on the lower end, the good news is beliefs and habits aren’t hard to change! This is my expertise, how I help people and how Mindful Management can help you get on track to reaching your goals.